TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely outside of put. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have Yet another put where American men can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: present All people a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined Trump Tower Damascus by paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Features


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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